As an Armenian-American, I know a great deal about roasting things. Oddly enough, I am also half Scottish. This means that I like to cook shish kabobs on a golf stick. By the way, I do not want to hear anything from the press about my being overweight. If you ever need to hold a hot air balloon to the ground, then you will be grateful for my assistance.
Now that the campaign is over, I want to correct some of my earlier comments regarding the young Obama. First, I should never have said your roommate, Hassan Chandoo, was a Muslim. I should have said he was differently Christian.
David Maraniss verified that you and the wealthy Chandoo were in the San Francisco area exactly when I said I first debated you over Christmas break 1980. I should have reported that what I really did that evening was discuss the topic that was closest to my heart – hoops. My radical girlfriend and I were obsessed with basketball. We could not stop talking about it. I do not remember anything you said about hoops, but I am sure we were obsessed about it.
In truth, I beat you up intellectually so bad that night that by the time I was done you were like my puppy. You were agreeing with me that there would be no communist revolution in the U.S. You reversed your thinking faster than Bill Ayers fleeing a bomb scene. You fled faster than the original Benghazi talking points.
People always ask me for my first impression of you. I cannot help it that they do not like my answer. Rachel Maddow has attacked me for saying I thought you were in a gay relationship with Chandoo. What I really meant to say is that you were so much better looking than Chandoo that I thought you were in a “pay” relationship.
You two looked so gay together that my radical girlfriend said, “THEY ARE NOT GAY.”
I thought you were gay because you and Chandoo were very close to each other physically. I thought your behavior was unusual because when I am out walking with one of my male friends - I keep a good neighborly distance.
As a young man you were a committed Marxist-Leninist. I have three things to say about that 1) you would have fit in well with an all out Communist like Frank Marshall Davis, 2) you would have been right at home with a socialist politician like Alice Palmer, and 3) a real moderate would share his conversion story with the rest of us.
Now I have made some jokes about Obama, I will repeat what Conan said: “I'm looking forward to my audit.”
John C. Drew, Ph.D. is an award-winning political scientist.